When Dr. Marc Chamberlain, a Seattle oncologist, was treating his brain cancer patients, he noticed an alarming pattern. His male patients were typically receiving much-needed support from their wives. But a number of his female patients were going it alone, ending up separated or divorced after receiving a brain tumor diagnosis.
Dr. Chamberlain, chief of the neuro-oncology division at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, had heard similar stories from his colleagues. To find out if these observations were based in fact, he embarked on a study with Dr. Michael J. Glantz of the University of Utah Huntsman Cancer Institute and colleagues from three other institutions who began to collect data on 515 patients who received diagnoses of brain tumors or multiple sclerosis from 2001 through 2006.
The results were surprising. Women in the study who were told they had a serious illness were seven times as likely to become separated or divorced as men with similar health problems, according to the report published in the journal Cancer.
Long viewed as payment for life, divorce settlements are facing strict new limits as some ex-spouses—primarily men—protest the endless support of a former partner. For richer, for poorer, forever?
Paul and Theresa Taylor were married for 17 years. He was an engineer for Boston's public-works department, while she worked in accounting at a publishing company. They had three children, a weekend cottage on the bay and a house in the suburbs, on a leafy street called Cranberry Lane. In 1982, when they got divorced, the split was amicable. She got the family home; he got the second home. Both agreed "to waive any right to past, present or future alimony."
But recently, more than two decades after the divorce, Ms. Taylor, 64, told a Massachusetts judge she had no job, retirement savings or health insurance. Earlier this year, the judge ordered Mr. Taylor, now 68 and remarried, to pay $400 per week to support his ex-wife.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to handle my ex-husband's girlfriend. She and my husband were together many times before the end of our marriage, and I see her as a home-wrecker in the least and unprintable names at the worst.
I am forced to be civil to my ex because of our son, but am I also required to acknowledge her? In the next few weeks, we will be at the same soccer game together, and I don't know what to do or say to her, nor how to handle the inevitable meeting on the sidelines to congratulate my son.
Gentle Reader: The term "home wrecker" always has puzzled Miss Manners. She has no wish to defend the people to whom it is applied, but surely home wrecking cannot be accomplished without a permit from one of the homeowners. Yet marital wrath is often stronger toward the outsider than against the insider who allowed her in.
True, you say you are civil to your former husband only for the sake of your son, which is a wise course to take. But don't you realize how devastating it would be to your son to use the public occasion of his game to demonstrate your contempt for his father's companion?
Every year, more than 1 million American couples get divorced. For those men and women, it is often the most grueling, emotionally exhausting, and expensive experience they will ever have.
For their children, it can be even worse.
Imagine you are six, and suddenly the only people you have ever relied on for food, shelter, and love are at each other's throats. In your young mind, you conclude that you are the cause of their anger, and that you might get lost in the shuffle. Before you know it, you think to yourself, there won't be anybody left to scare off the closet monsters.
To make matters worse, you often find yourself alone in your anguish, as the two people you usually go to for solace - your parents - are too wrapped up in their own anger and grief to be of much help.
It is unsettling, to say the least.
As parents, it is not enough to assume that your children will bounce back once the legal machinations of divorce are through. Though many adults find their post-divorce lives are vastly better than their pre-divorce lives, for many children, that is not the case.
Judge Orders Shared Custody
Salem, N.J. -
For now, the $40,000 legal fight about Dexter the dog is over, but one “parent” isn’t happy with a judge’s custody decision.
On Monday, a judge in Salem, N.J. ordered a former couple to share custody of Dexter, after the pair paid lawyers a ton of money in fees in what was seen as a test case.
Court Judge John Tomasello said Dexter must spend equal time with Doreen Houseman and Eric Dare.
Dare told reporters he may appeal the decision.
Previously, a Superior Court Judge determined that the Dexter was joint property and a suitable arrangement must now be determined.
There were three options: one “parent” could get full custody or a joint visitation agreement can be decided.
Going through a divorce can be one of the most painful experiences in a person's life. Some people truly feel knocked to their knees as they navigate through the emotional ups and downs, drastic life changes and personal implications.
"Sadly, for many couples divorce represents the death of a deeply personal relationship," according to Roberta Apuzzo, creator of the counseling and therapy program 'The ABCs of Divorce.' "The emotional chaos surrounding divorce offers the unique perspective for gaining powerful, personal insights that can make our lives infinitely more meaningful, rewarding, and harmonious."
Here are 3 tips to help emotionally survive a divorce:
1. Get Support - Now more than ever you need the protective nest of family and friends to surround you. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help. Talk it out. Process your feelings. Consider finding a therapist to help you through the transition.
Personal problems such as divorce or a troubled marriage often become so overwhelming that they threaten to sabotage all aspects of one's life, including career. During this challenging time, it becomes especially important to exercise as much "damage control" as possible.
To maintain your professional life despite your personal problems, you'll need to prioritize at work in ways you might not have done in the past. To help you, divorce360.com asked for help from some divorce experts who offered career tips.
--Keep your divorce private. Tina B. Tessina, who also goes by the name Dr. Romance, is a licensed psychotherapist and author of "Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage" (Adams Media, $14.95). Tessina suggested avoiding telling anyone at work about the divorce unless they need to know for business reasons -- if you have to take time off for court, your boss will need to know why. "Keep your personal life to yourself," Tessina said. "That will make it much easier to leave your divorce stress out of the office."
Married people tend to be healthier than single people. But what happens when a marriage ends?
Share your thoughts on this column at the Well blog.
New research shows that when married people become single again, whether by divorce or a spouse’s death, they experience much more than an emotional loss. Often they suffer a decline in physical health from which they never fully recover, even if they remarry.
And in terms of health, it’s not better to have married and lost than never to have married at all. Middle-age people who never married have fewer chronic health problems than those who were divorced or widowed.
The findings, from a national study of 8,652 men and women in their 50s and early 60s, suggest that the physical stress of marital loss continues long after the emotional wounds have healed. While this does not mean that people should stay married at all costs, it does show that marital history is an important indicator of health, and that the newly single need to be especially vigilant about stress management and exercise, even if they remarry.
Lawyers used to tell clients to put their pre-nuptial agreements in a locked drawer and keep them there unless the marriage goes south.
These days, however, some are recommending a second look at those documents, no matter how stable your relationship may be.
As asset values plummeted over the past year, your net worth probably did, too. And don’t think you have to be a gazillionaire to need a pre-nup, anyway. Any couple who saw the value of their house or vacation home skyrocket then plummet over the past decade or a couple with substantial individual savings or investment assets could be due for a review.
So if you were once valued at $1 million in real estate and other assets, you could now be down to $500,000. If your pre-nup said you would fork over $300,000 (rather than 30% of your assets) in the case of divorce, you’d still be on the hook for that amount. Thirty percent might be manageable; $300,000, a lot less so, especially if you worked on Wall Street and are now sitting on the couch.
Jon and Kate calling it quits might be the news of the moment, but financial hardships brought on by the recession already have helped make separation or divorce a reality for couples across the country.
Yet the recession also is causing some unhappy couples to rethink their marital situation, since a costly divorce would only further deplete already-shrunken assets.
"People are staying in poor marriages because this would be the worst time to file for a divorce since they would get a much smaller piece" of a smaller pie, says Bob Adelman, a Los Angeles-based attorney and certified family-law specialist.
According to a survey by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts, 68% of the 270 certified divorce financial analysts who responded said they had seen clients who couldn't afford to get divorced because of recession-related financial problems.
To be sure, an uncontested divorce between a couple with no children and limited investments can be fairly simple. In many cases, hiring a lawyer may be a waste of time and money.
But for people with children, real estate and a more complicated financial situation -- and where waiting out the recession isn't in the cards -- here are some ways to salvage finances during a divorce:
When divvying up assets in a divorce, make sure you consider what they would be worth after taxes. That's particularly important in community-property states, which mandate a 50/50 split.
"It's important to know that what you do has tax consequences for both parties," says Jackie Perlman, a tax analyst with the Tax Institute at H&R Block.
Take a couple that has an investment portfolio with stock and taxable bond funds that appear to have equal value, and one spouse gets the stock funds and the other the bond funds. Factor in capital gains or the fact that interest on bonds is fully taxable, and the values of those funds don't hold equal weight.
"All of a sudden, you don't have apples to apples anymore," says Amy Barrett, a certified divorce financial analyst in Rockford, IL.
NEW YORK — If celebrity love lives were morality tales, the prevailing lesson would be: Don't forget the prenup. It's a message that should resonate with a wide swath of the population. With so many more blended families and dual-income households, family finances have become more complicated across the board.
A prenuptial agreement can lessen the potential for a messy divorce by spelling out each party's rights to assets brought into the marriage, as well as those acquired as a couple. "What you're doing is deciding exactly how you're going to treat your assets, rather than having state laws decide for you," said Gary Nickelson, president of the Chicago-based American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. Coming to terms with whether you need a prenup is only a first step, however. You and your partner then need to lay bare your finances and voice expectations for what could be an ugly scenario. Finally, you'll need to find an attorney to put it all in writing. As uncomfortable as it sounds, it's a safeguard worth considering for anyone with significant assets.
About 40 percent of marriages in recent times ended in divorce, although the figure varies depending on age, income and education level, according to Betsey Stevenson, who specializes in family and public policy at the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business. Her estimates are based on Census data. So before you join the seasonal wave of couples taking their vows, ask whether a prenup makes sense.
On the day a couple promises to love each other for eternity, the future appears bright and idyllic; the reality that one or the other might someday want out seems remote.
Still, national statistics indicate some 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce. Even with the recent tough economy, the divorce rate has remained relatively steady. The notion that couples will simply endure misery rather than go their separate ways is not what several local attorneys say they have witnessed. Couples may delay the decision because of its economic consequences, or they may opt to share living quarters longer than they might wish. Ridgefield lawyer Norman Voog said the economy has slowed the leap from marital malaise to divorce in some couples, particularly those who have children and whose discontent is at least manageable. The notion of greener pastures is tempered by fears of less income or having to move, so they figure they stay together until the economic tide shifts, he said.
"Starting a divorce, candidly, is like jumping off the cliff," said Voog, who witnessed about a 35 percent slowdown in his divorce business this year. "It's hard to get back up the cliff once you jump off. So if people are debating whether they want to stay in a marriage, they are less likely to jump in this kind of economic climate than they would perhaps in other times. But if a couple thinks they need to break up now, local lawyers say they will find ways to make it happen.
CLAYTON, Mo. (AP) — Uncertain economic times are leading to an uneasy truce in the War of the Roses, as divorcing couples try to save some money — and perhaps some dignity.
With retirement accounts in tatters and homes losing value, many couples are dividing debt, not assets. The last thing they want is a mountain of legal bills to add to it.
“They don’t want battles in court,” said St. Charles lawyer Rebecca Magruder.
“We’re seeing more people being more realistic about what they will get, more willing to settle,” said Alisse Camazine, a Clayton divorce lawyer.
If a married couple are barely covering their current household expenses, the same income is not going to support two separate households.
“The judge or attorneys cannot wave a magic wand to solve financial problems,” said Alan Freed, a family law attorney in Clayton who specializes in mediation.
NEW YORK (CNN) -- Breaking up is hard to do -- perhaps even more so during a recession.
Just ask Sallie Frederick of Darien, Connecticut. She and her husband of 15 years are divorcing, but they both live in the house they can't sell because of the sour state of the economy.
"My husband lives in the guest room, and he comes home on Wednesday nights early to have dinner with the kids, and the other nights he comes home late to give me my space, so it's, it's not perfect," she told CNN's "Your $$$$$" program. "It's been difficult."
The stress of the country's economic meltdown is taking its toll on marriages.
And while there is no definitive evidence that says people seek divorce more or less frequently during an economic slump, what is clear is that couples in marital turmoil are feeling extra stress because of the economy.
Some, like the Fredericks, can't leave their current situation because the financial costs are too great and because it's too difficult to sell their house
Others may jump into divorce because of the economic strain or because divorce during hard times could be weirdly profitable.
The dos & don'ts of divorce
Think you can just file some papers and move on to single life? Well, think again.
Debbie Salamone | Sentinel Staff Writer
May 26, 2008
You've had it. She's a cheating witch. He's a lazy bum. It's time for a divorce.
And it's going to be an all-out war.
Stop. Don't make the common mistakes that angry and hurt couples often do. Take some advice from Central Florida divorce lawyers and a judge who have seen it all. You still have time to learn from these stories.
Who gets the pets?
Pets are considered property but often require special consideration.
If you let a judge decide ownership, anything can happen. Consider these rulings from Orange Circuit Judge Bob Evans, who handles the county's most contested divorces.
*A couple feuding over a pair of lovebirds were given one bird each. The wife exclaimed, "Oh, no! I'd rather he get the birds than split them up." Evans gave her both birds. "I knew then who should get the birds," he explained.
*A couple couldn't agree over who should get the dog. Evans ordered them to stand 100 yards apart in a public park and custody was granted to whomever the dog ran to first. "I didn't care if they covered themselves in steak and bologna," he said. "I thought it was the only fair thing to let the dog decide."
Honey, I want a divorce! How to have the talk
How to make this tough conversation as painless as possible — for you both
By Dr. Gail Saltz
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 3:59 p.m. CT, Wed., May. 21, 2008
There are some conversations that are hard by their very nature. Telling your spouse you want a divorce is certainly at the top of the list.
Since marriage is one of life's central relationships, seeking a divorce feels like a tremendous failure. And it is tough to initiate something you know will have great emotional, practical and financial fallout for yourself (and your children, if you have them).
It’s like stepping into the abyss. What’s ahead? You know how bad your marriage has been, but you don’t know what your life will be like post-divorce.
The assumption is that it will be better. Still, you don’t know. There is no crystal ball and no guarantee. Might your life be worse? Yes. It will certainly be different.
